how to write your first blog post

in just 3 easy steps

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hello world

step 1: come to terms with the fact that this is gonna be a shit blog post.

Your first time is always bad, that’s why you just gotta get it out of the way.

I say lean into this fact. Write something intentionally bad. This way you get the first try out of the way and you protect your fragile little ego from criticism because this blog post was meant to be bad.

You thought I was trying? Ha, of course not! I can write way better than this. Side eye into the camera - a bead of sweat rolling down your forehead

Always remember: deny, deny, deny.

step 2: stop waiting for inspiration.

Inspiration is your brain tricking you into feeling like you’ve done something; you’ve done nothing.

Wanna know what makes me feel really smart; weed.

When I’m high I swear I could’ve created the same framework for western philosophy if Socrates didn’t beat me to the punch. Bastard!

Now, whether this is true or not unfortunately we’ll never know. But it highlights an important lesson.

Just because you feel like you’re doing something - doesn’t mean you’re doing something. You’re only really doing something if you’re really doing something.

Not even Socrates and his silly little gang of thinkers could come up with that indisputable nugget of truth.

step 3: write something

this is the easy part.

You literally can’t fuck this up. You just type words. Push keys on keyboard. Any words will do.

Watch this. Here’s a story.

Once upon a time, in a land of rolling green hills stood a weathered stone hightower. Inside lived a handsome young prince. He sat in front a sturdy oak table, the warm morning light from his larger open window kissed his high cheekbones and glistened off his luxurious blond locks.

With a quill in hand he sat amongst sproling mounds of papers and stacks of open books.

Day in and day out he sat, studying these texts, learning of the outside world. He knew all there was to know about the majestic land outside his window. The flora and fauna, the cycles of the seasons, and where babies come from; but all this was learned from the books, never from experience. He dreamed of one day escaping this hightower. Abandoning the safe scholarly life his family wished for him. He wanted to become an adventurer!

“I don’t wish to rule over this beautiful land!” he declared loudly, to himself. “Why must I follow the path my family wishes for me?” again, to no one but himself. “All I know of the outside world I’ve learned from these smelly old books. I haven’t even laid eyes on creatures more beastly than the purasious white bunnies that troll the fields outside my window.” Seriously, who is this guy talking to?

The boy stood up and shouted out his window “Will I ever experience real excitement, real adventure in this lifetime?!”

I know he has been up there alone for a while, but still talking to yourself like that is weird, right? Like, this can’t be the first time he’s had these thoughts. Does he recite this monologue everyday? Anyways…

At that moment he noticed a dark figure circling over his tower. Before he knew it, the strange figure swooped down from the blue sky and perched itself on his stone window sill.

Uh oh! I sure hope this isn’t a bad omen…

“A raven… I’ve read about this creature.” The boy cautiously leaned in closer to get a better look.

“Hey, kid.” said the bird.

“What the fuck!” shrieked the prince. Jumping from his seat, landing in the karate kid crane stance.

“Yeah, yeah, I know, you’ve never seen a talking crow.”

The prince relaxed, tilting his head in confusion.

“Crow? I thought you were a raven?”

“No, I’m a crow.”

“Really? Because in my book–”

“Listen you little shit, I know what kinda bird I am okay! I’m a magical talking crow here to warn you.”

This is weird. I wasn’t expecting the story to go this way honestly.

“Warn me? About what?”

The crow hopped from the window sill onto the boys crowded table top.

“This is a nice table,” said the crow. “Do you mind?”

“Mind if you wha–”

Before the prince could finish his sentence the crow shits on an open book. It was that gross white liquid bird shit. It completely washed out the ancient text of the book; this is actually how white out was invented, but that’s a story for another time.

“DUDE!” The prince shouted while throwing up his arms in disbelief.

“Chill out, kid. We have more important matters at hand!”

The prince took a deep breath and sat back down in front of the crow.

“Tell me wise creature, why have you come to me on this fateful day?”

The Crow wipes his bird butt on some scrap paper; he needs to be proper for this moment. He walks in closer to the boy.

“A devilish dragon has scorched my homeland. Killing everything and everyone I’ve ever loved.”

“I’m sorry to hear that Mr. Magical Crow. That’s a real bummer!” Says the young princes with such poise and sensitivity.

“In 1 week, this scary dragon will invade your country and rain hellfire across the lands.”

This time the boy shits. Filling the room with the stench of cowardliness and sulfur. Depict this, the Crow walks in even closer to the boy; practically peak to nose.

“It is your job to kill the dragon and save everything you love.” Demanded the Bird.

This was the call-to-adventure the boy has been waiting for! Out of every brave knight and experienced adventure, this magical crow came to the young prince to save the kingdom and the beautiful land it was birthed from. This is destiny!

The prince says frankly, without a moment of hesitation. “I can’t do that.”

The crow stares blankly at the boy. “This dude can not be serious,” he thought.

“You can not be serious!” He said.

“I am very serious. Deathly serious!” The boy leaps up and paces around the room.

“You want me to kill a dragon? Me? I’m just a kid! I haven’t even killed a bunny! How am I supposed to kill a dragon?”

The kid raises some good points if you ask me.

The Crow turns and faces the open window. As he gazes out over the peaceful green countryside, he reflects on his long journey here. The land he traversed, the demons he faced, the family he left behind. A single tear fells from his little bird eye.

Can birds cry? Magical birds can.

This somber moment for remembering was interrupted by a loud thump coming from inside the room. The Crow turned to see the young prince on the floor, tongue falling from his mouth, with his eyes rolled back into his skull.

“Fuck” Breathed the Crow.

See the boy had a heart condition. He’s like one of the goats that go rigged when they're scared. Except he just dies. That’s why his family locked him in a town with only boring books, see, some backstory for ya.

The End.

final thoughts

So that was a terrible story, hey. It wasn’t even a story. It was an unfinished 1st act where the protagonist dies at the refusal of the call to adventure. But it was words, you see. My only goal was to write words and I would say I undoubtedly accomplished that goal today.

I hope you find some value from this post. If nothing else I hope this gives you the confidence that you can write a better first blog post than me.

Now go write something; and don’t do drugs.

J